Brianzilla
by ihaveweirdfriends
Summary: Peter, Lois & Chris goes on vacation, leaving Meg, Stewie and Brian alone at home. This is where the fun begins! R&RRated for language and certain words
1. Vacation time!

**DISCLAIMER:** I ont own family guy nor anything else... WHA!!! Leave me alone to cry an weep. Go rea the story. now shoo!

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** This is my first Family Guy fic, so go easy on me! I welcome constructed critism, but no flames please. Read away!

**...---()---...**

"Mom!" Chris yelled, "I can't find my lucky socks!"

All was normal inside the Griffin's residence. However, today was a special day (it's Sunday by the way). It was the Peter's and Lois's anniversary. Like every year, they go on vacation for a few days at a hotel. And like every other year, Chris insists on tagging along...

"Chris, honey. Mommy told you already: only Mommy and Daddy are going on the trip," Lois responded, her voiced edged with frustration.

"But, Mommy, if I don't go, the evil monkey in my closet might get me!" Chris begged as he tried the puppy eyes maneuver. However, realistically, this looked uglier beyond comprehension.

"Chris, for the last time, there is no evil monkey in your closet," Lois groaned. As Lois said that, (you guessed it!) that evil little monkey climbed quietly down the stairs and shook his fist at Chris before disappearing into Chris's room.

"Oh goodie! Mother is leaving. I hope you fall off the building and die," Stewie commented with a smile.

"Mommy loves you, too, sweetie," Lois answered absentmindedly.

"Lois, honey! Where are **my** lucky socks?" Peter yelled from upstairs, clearly having problems packing for their trip.

"It's in the---" Lois began.

"Top right drawer beside the mirror in the washroom," Brian replied with ease, still reading his newspaper on the couch.

"Thank you, Brian. I don't know what this household will do without you," Lois commented sweetly, planting a small kiss on Brian's forehead. As soon as she stood up, Brian's face turned pink, then red. Being so preoccupied, Lois didn't notice the blush.

"Chris, why are you wearing an army uniform?" Lois asked reluctantly, not really wanting to know the answer.

**_An hour later..._**

They were finally ready to leave for their little relaxation, Lois, Peter AND Chris. (After much begging, pleading and excuses, Lois finally cracked and decided to let him tag along).

"Bye Meg and Stewie. Mommy loves you! Bye Brian!" Lois said.

"Bye Mom..." Meg said plainly as she turned around and walked upstairs in her room.

Lois was dressed in a stunning gown. It was light blue with sparkles and glitter, embroidered with black flowers along the edge. Peter, on the other hand, wore a pair of lime green pants, a white long sleeve, a lime green vest and a checked tie. Chris, obviously, was still in his army suit. He refused to take it off.

"Holy crap, there's a fat leprechaun with Lois!" Quagmire panicked as he saw Lois and Peter stepping out of the house.

**_Ten minutes later..._**

"Are we there yet?" Peter asked as he fiddled with the broken radio.

"No, Peter, we only drove for ten minutes and you're the one driving! Pay attention to the road god dammit, not the radio!" Lois yelled.

"Uh-huh," Peter responded, still playing with the radio, one hand on the wheel. A second later, he became so intrigued with the stupid radio, he completely let go of the steering wheel

The car went crazy! It made an abrupt turn right and crashed right into a tree that stood at the side of the road. The Griffins were so shocked, they remained still as they watched the front of their car burst into flames. Suddenly, the radio somehow, magically was fixed as it began playing the song Paralyzer by Finger Eleven.

_Well I'm not paralyzed  
But I seem to be struck by you  
I wanna make you move  
Because you're standing..._

"Oh no! The car is burning!" Lois shouted as she snapped back to reality. Quick as mice, Lois and Chris scrambled out of the car. Peter, however, instead of trying to safe his life, he decided to save the radio.

Peter groaned as he lifted the radio the out of the car, but just then, his shirt caught on fire! "Aah!!!!" Peter yelled as he waved his wave his arms wildly, in result dropping the radio...

_If your body(frizz) matches(frizz) (frizz)_

"Get it off of me!!!!!!" Peter screamed running around in circles.

"Yeah Dad! You're doing the cool version of the Hokey Pokey!!" Chris cheered with excitement or stupidity, one or the other...

Ignoring Chris's comment, Lois instructed Peter what to do. "Stop running! Get on the floor and roll around instead!"

Obeying Lois instructons (for once), within seconds, Peter managed to extinguished the fire, however, the fire had totally burned his shirt and the back of his pants, revealing his underwear...

**CT: Well, as I've said before; my first Family Guy fic. Please leave a review! No flames please.  
Peter: Ya, i don't want any more burned clothes!  
CT: ...er...right... That too!...**


	2. Ouch

Meanwhile back to what's happening inside the Griffin's house. Of course, all activities in the Griffin's house were nothing out of the ordinary (for the Griffins, obviously…)

Anyhow, Brian was sitting at his usual spot on the couch (the far left) as he watched TV, laughing hysterically. It also didn't help that he had already drunk sixteen bottles of beer, which he had derived from Peter's cellar of beer. This was only a small percentage of the beer that Peter kept in his cellar. There was A LOT more…

While Brian drank his little doggy-heart out, Stewie was up in his room, usually planning mass destruction, world domination and the death of Lois at that. But today, it was a little different, instead of his normal target, Lois, he decided to move onto the mutt.

'Without the stupid mutt, I'll be free! Although, even with him, he won't be able to stop me!' Stewie concluded positively. 'His death will please me very much though!'

'How should kill the mutt?' Stewie pondered for a second, before coming up with the perfect solution. 'I'll poison his drink!'

As Stewie thought, he began to to experiment with different chemicals. It took ten minutes before he decided on the perfect poison solution to add into all his precious wine.He swiftly crept down to the cellar and opened the small gate. Creeeeek!

Opening the door, he saw the cold and dark cellar. He slowly and carefully dropped a little bit of poison in every bottle of beer. As he finished up, he tossed the tube of poison aside in the cellar and crept back up to the ground.

**...---(x)---...**

Meanwhile, Meg sat in her room,thinking solemnly. Like most teenagers, she dreamed of being popular and accepted. She thought of ways to become popular, her list mostly concluded something like breasts transplants, becoming anorexic, go on drugs, start drinking and other ridiculous things along the lines of that. Those were actually less than 1/4 of her ideas...

A sudden ring of the telephone interrupted Megs thoughts. She reluctantly picked up the phone. "Hello?" Meg greeted the caller.

" Hello Meg. _Achoo!_ " The caller replied, trying to sound cool and _smooth._

At the sound of the voice, Meg cringed. The geeky voice belonged to none other than Neil. Neil Goldman, the only person/nerd that would **_want _**to be with Meg. But also, the only person that's less popular than Meg.

"What do you want Neil?" Meg questioned, sounding quite irritated.

"How about a date?" Neil stated promptly.

Meg remembered the last time Neil tried to ask her out to a date. It was so embarrassing!

_(back to the episode when Meg kisses the frog) Meg had finally become somewhat accepted after doing frog. She thought Connie and her gang didn't totally avoid her, but little does she know that they had planned on using her and her goody-two-shoes reputation. Trying hard to avoid Neil, she felt that she became somewhat friends with Connie and her gang._

_Unable to reach Meg all day, Neil became depressed, but soon came up with a brilliant idea. Also being a teachers' pets, he easily gained access to all equipments in the office. He quickly picked up the PA system and pressed 'all rooms' allowing every student and staff to hear what he had to say._

_Ahem. Meg Griffin, this is Neil. I haven't been able to talk to you all day. I just wanted to ask you; will you go out with me?" Neil said over the speaker. "Please give me some sign, Meg"_

_By then, the Meg's face flushed red with embarrassment. The whole school was silent before blasting into laughter. Everyone walked by pointed to Meg and laughed away. Paralyzed and shocked by what Neil had done as well as his stupidity, the unshed tears in her eye began to slowly roll down her cheek. _

_But Neil still wasn't finished. "Er.. Meg? I know you're here today, I saw you by the library, so please give a sign if you would go out with me!_

_Whispers of 'stalker' rang throughout the hallway. Meg couldn't take it anymore, she ran into straight into the washroom. Actually, being as upset as she was, she accidentally rang head first into the BOYS washroom._

She cringed at the memory, not wanting to remember it any further.

"Meg? Are you still there? Meg...? Have you decided if you want to go on a date with the Neil-man?" Neil on the other end was getting very anxious to hear the answer. (Neil-man, Lolz)

"Yeah, right," Meg answered with sarcasm as she rolled her eyes.

Not understanding or detecting the sarcasm, Neil thought Meg had agree to the date. "Woohoo! The Neil-man has won! Meg finally agreed! Yippee! Ill pick you up at seven on Friday! Yippee!" The phone went dead, leaving Meg to stare at the phone, confused...

**CT:** Hi everyone! Hope you enjoy the chapter. thanks to my four reviewers! Remember the more reviews i get the faster I'll update. I mean, after all, I have four incomplete stories, so the one with most reviewers gets faster updates.  
**Meg:** But why CT? Why Neil Goldman? Him of all people! Why am I paired up with him? Why not dreamy Tom Tucker or Jeff Campbell (the nudist)?  
**CT:** Whoa. Calm down. Save that anger when you're dumping Neil!  
**Meg:** Oh yeah! Sweet!! (starts skipping around happily) Yay!


	3. The Internet advice

**DISCLAIMER: nope, still no ownies:(**

**...----()----...**

Not understanding or detecting the sarcasm, Neil thought Meg had agree to the date. "Woohoo! The Neil-man has won! Meg finally agreed! Yippee! Ill pick you up at seven on Friday! Yippee!" The phone went dead, leaving Meg to stare at the phone, confused...

Meg had no idea what had happened as she hesitantly hung up the phone... But, whatever it was, it definitely wasn't good. Meg sat there, still staring at the phone as if she was waiting for Neil to call back. She remained still, thinking about what had just happened on the phone...

Fifteen minutes later...

"OH! Neil must have thought that I meant it when I said,' ... Oh god! No! Th-that means, he thought I said 'yes' to the d-date..." Meg stammered with fright. "Oh god, I need a way to get out of the date with Neil...but how?... I know! I'll get a boyfriend!"

Meg instantly jumped up from her bed and turned on her computer. As soon the computer finished loading, Meg opened a search engine and typed in, "Girl's Flirting Guide." Within seconds, an incredibly long list of websites popped up. Meg quickly clicked on the first website and read it aloud,"

1. Always start with cheese! For example, say something like, "Your mother must've been a thief because she stole all the stars in heaven and put them in your eyes. Oh!'.

2. Most boys goes for intelligent girls. Keep asking them obvious 'yes' and 'no' questions. For instance, " Do you wear red sneakers?" "Do you like your hair?" "Is your nose big?"

3. Remember to keep talking about you! Your to-be-boyfriend will need to know things about you. For example, say "I have brown hair. I have red shoes!"

4. Ask if the guy has a girlfriend. If the does, he obviously will be a great snag! Now, persuade this guy if he would want to be your girlfriend. Try something like this, "You know you want me!"

5. The last thing is that you need to know is that boys like girls who can 'play the field'. So, try to add some contact between you and your crush. A small flick on the hand or a little pinch on the cheek would do it."

As Meg read the website, she quickly scribbled down some notes from the page to prepare herself for tomorrow. She will use this to find a boyfriend tomorrow so she could cancel the date with Neil the nerd...

...----()----...

Back to Brian.

Well, there wasn't much change to Brian's activities. He was still drinking his beer when his favourite TV show came up.

_**"Ms. Romano**: Damn it, Julie, I'm a single mother doing the best damn job she knows how, and damn it Schneider, I ask you to fix that damn sink two days ago.  
**Schneider**: Oh, I'll fix your sink Ms. Romano, and by "fix your sink" I mean I'll have sex with you, and by "I have sex with you" I mean I'll fix your sink. And by "sink" I mean your reproductive organ. And by, "reproductive organ" I mean the thing between your knee, and by "the thing between your knee"? I... I guess that one's kind of self-explanatory._ "

And as his usual drunk self, Brain laughed hysterically. He kept laughing as he reached for another beer bottle. His hand brushed the top of the table, in search of another beer bottle. However, there were none to be found...

'Damn fifty bottles of beer gone already?' Brian stated mentally. "Meh, I need more!" Groaned Brian, slurring every other word as he wobbled over to the cellar. His hand used every furniture that he approach for support. Finally he reached the cellar. Opened the cellar door and stepped into the darkness.

Brian wobble over to a crate of beer and prepared to pick it up. Abruptly, Brian fell over and collapsed on top of the crate, snoring away. Hair was sticking up straight all over his body as his saliva trickled down from his mouth.

_INSIDE BRIAN'S HEAD_

_**Brain cell#1:** Yes! I am the last survivor! Muahahahaha!  
**Brain cell#2:** (peeks out from behind) No, you're not!  
**Brain cell#1**: (signs) Aw... But now I have a new purpose in life... Will you bare my child?  
**Brain cell#2:** Are you gay? I ain't about to 'bare your child!' (throws a rock at Brain cell#1)  
**Brain cell#1:** Ouch! (falls onto the ground) Now, 'm dead! Forgive me, cruel...er...brain! I will now wilt away like the others! NO!!!!  
**Brain cell#2:** Oh geez, hurry up and die already! How long does it take you?!  
**Brain cell#1:** Fine! (insert ridiculously long raspberry) (falls back onto the ground, dead)  
**Brain cell#2:** Yes! Now, I am the last survivor! Muahahahaha! Then why am I still 'Brain cell#2...?'_

**...----()----...**

**CT:** sorry about the last part. I felt like putting weird creatures into the story...LOLz  
**Brian:** (pulls out the two brain cells) Act is over, get out of my brain!  
**Brain cell#1:** Fine be that way!  
**CT:** Okay, wrap it up people! Set up for next scene! And readers, please review!


End file.
